Cinta sudah lewat

Ak bisa tanpamu, namun tak ingin. Banyak luka sudah tertoreh, namun ntah mengapa, denganmu tak apa. Kurasa aku bisa tolerir, pikirku. Apakah ini cinta buta atau sinyal alam semesta, aku tak bisa bedakan.

Jika mengikuti rasa, tentu kan kutelpon dan kuberitahu bahwa aku rindu dan ingin denganmu.

Namun melihat fakta yang ada, denganmu begitu merepotkan dan melelahkan. Aku terus kecewa dan dibohongi. Kepercayaan dan harapanku terus dikhianati dan tidak dipedulikan. Mau sampai kapan. Aku harus buat batas, pikirku.

Namun, jika ada keinginan besar untuk berubah, dan menunjukkannya dengan segenap hati, akan selalu ada kesempatan pikirku. Namun ternyata kamu tak sabar. Kamu tidak sesabar aku yang berjuang hingga dulu, hatimu luluh. Kamu tidak sabar dan tidak mau rekonsiliasi, membuat keputusan untuk dirimu sendiri. Kamu tidak sabar kena marah, karena hal yang kamu perbuat sendiri. Kamu tidak kuat menanggung konsekuensi dari perbuatanmu sendiri. Kamu pikir, kamu bisa menghilang dan kembali seenaknya, tanpa memerdulikan kekecewaanku. Kamu tidak kuat menyalahkan dirimu sendiri, karena harus ada disekitarmu yang jadi tempat salah. Semua salah orang lain. Semua salah keadaan, salahku, salah orang lain, salah tuhan. Kalau aku belum bisa memaafkanmu, pun itu salahku. Kapan kamu akan dewasa dan mengerti bahwa kamu harus menelan konsekuensi dari apa yang kamu perbuat, bertanggun jawab, dan berkomitmen untuk disiplin menyelesaikan masalahmu sendiri. Boro boro menyelesaikan, mengakui kebohongan dan ketidak konsistenanmu saja, tidak kamu lakukan. Bagaimana cara untuk percaya lagi. Aku ingin, tapi aku lelah. Apakah memang semelelahkan ini? Never ending journey, to forgive same mistakes overyears, knowing same lie and inconsequence habit will happen without commitment to do better next day.

Sucksss

My new office……. Is good, but some ppl in my department are….. sucks

how can they think that bataknesse or shouting is the best way to survive and they think they are cool. Shtp

I want to get…..

A boyfriend, husband-to-be yang anak Tuhan, cinta Tuhan, ga susah diajak gereja, persekutuan, tajir, mapan, dewasa, baik hati, karakternya baik, pintar menabung, sayang aku banget dan sayang keluargaku, sehat, panjang umur.

A letter

First of all, I would like to thank you for the time we have together.

I’ve been thinking, and I have to say this to you.

I’ve been patient for many years. Mad and disappointed with the same issues for the past five years and nothing really change. I give you chance to grow and tried to help you to change. Nothing has improved and it is affecting my joy, my respect to you. And I am thinking of walking away.

I ask my self, if I stay, will I be truly happy? Or I will just stay in guilt and fear?

Last few weeks, there is no communication between us. I was almost ready to give up and walk away. I feel disconnected.

I hope you fully understand that I want a partner who are mature, brave enough to talk and fix a problem, and a man who fully responsible, lead me to positive things, and responsible financially, as it affect many aspects of our life. Security, and even peace of mind.

Speaks about financial situation, I wonder how to let you know that your condition affect me a lot? Im asking my self. Does he really acknowledge his problem and try to fix it? Does he aware that he keep repeating the same pattern over and over again? Does he know that I start to think that the CHANCE to change his spending and debt behavior is very low? Nothing change for the past 5 years. You still rely on debt and uses spending on food as coping mechanism of stress. It is a recurring problem. I know the reason, but you doesn’t seems like want to fix the problem, try to find a solution, or to maybe talk to some professional to fix this. Im asking my self, does he know that I am frustrated and even start imagining different future without him. Does he know that his silenced every time we argue about money frustrated me. Does he know that I might take many opportunities ahead, instead of waiting for him to come and say hey I’m settle, I have a good life and ready to build a new home with you, which never come. And maybe never will.

I start thinking that I deserve a partner who share same values and dreams. It makes me sad at first, but I want my children to see somebody they can follow. Someone who is discipline, acknowledge the problem, and make things happen to fix problem and improve their life. Not the one who keep falling into the same cycle, spending recklessly when stressed. It is exhausting, to be the one who carrying the weight. 

Im asking my self again, do I feel okay dealing with the same thing 5-10 years from now, or more. Being bumper for your financial condition doesn’t makes me happy. I cannot imagine the future. Do you think I have to carry this for a long term?

Ive been patient and try my best to be supportive and helpful, given you chances, and tried to help you to change. But if something hasn’t improved and it’s affecting my happiness and respect for you, should I walk away?

At first Im fearing karma, but hey, I have tried my best. Im not hurting you unfairly. To leave, is a choice. For my life. Instead of thinking about karma, then I ask myself: If I stay, will I be truly happy?