#trying my best to not to be a sinner

Forgiving

I think this is my time to learn about forgiveness. Previously, I learn to forgive my boyfriend for his behavior towards me. It is not easy at all, I learn to trust him more, and it is not easy after being disapointed.

But this time, I have to forgive some of my friend. I find it harder, because I think they have the intention to hurt me. Sebagai manusia yang tidak sempurna, tentunya wajar jika terkadang kita saling menyakiti satu dengan yang lain. Semua terjadi, karena ketidaksempurnaan kita. Namun bagaimana jika orang yang menyakiti kita memang orang yang tidak menyukai kita, dan bisa selalu menemukan hal buruk dari diri kita untuk dibenci?

Betapapun kamu mencoba untuk berbuat baik, ia akan terus tidak menyukaimu. Begitupun denganmu, tanpa sengaja terseret dalam permainannya, dan dalam hati turut membencinya. Namun semua itu tidak bisa kamu lakukan terus menerus, karena kamu harus menjaga hubungan baik dengan semuanya. Kamu harus belajar memaafkan, belajar memaklumi, dan mengasihi. Your head and heart start fighting.

Dan hal tersebut terus menggelitikmu karena terganggu akan perasaan menjengkelkan itu. Karena tiap kali kamu coba untuk memaafkan, ia akan terus mengganggumu lagi lagi dan lagi.

Namun benar pepatah yang mengatakan bahwa, kamu tidak akan bisa belajar mengasihi, kalau kamu terus terusan sendirian. Dan kamu tidak akan bisa belajar mengasihi kalau selalu diperhadapkan dengan orang yang juga mengasihimu. Akan sangat mudah mengasihi orang yang juga mengasihi kita. Namun, mengasihi orang yang membencimu, itu hal yang sulit dilakukan, namun kamu akan merasa damai ketika kamu bisa melakukannya. Karena rasa benci, itu membelenggu dirimu sendiri.

I hope I can learn to forgive and understand people more..

Looser or Not Looser

Once, I think I'm a looser.

Look at me, I cannot loose my weight for almost 5 years, meanwhile always say 'aaaah gendut banget'.

And never reach my body goals.

I also failed to save money (Now I can save it a little because someone hold it for me). But still, after 6+ years of graduation, I still cannot save money more than 50 million rupiah.

I also never bring my parent out to Bali or abroad, so I labelled my self as failure.

I always play here and play there, hang out in here, hang out in there, having fun.

But sometimes I don't see myself as a failure as well. Things I like about me, is that I stay in ministry for praising God with all my good friend. I like that, so I like my life. I also get raised in salary (a little but fine). My boss also send me to Singapore to attend some event (only for few people - selected one). I expect more than this, I expect to be manager after 5 years, but I didn't get it, but yea, that's fine too. I know I am growing, and everything has it's own time.

But still, I think I have to do more than this to get more money. I need to invest, right?

I have to make more money so I can bring my parents out, having more time with them, get married, buy house, give more to people who need help, and etc. I just want to be kind and helpful. I hope God love me and proud of me, every time.

We always can make things better, right? Just need to stick on His plan, do your best, utilize the time properly and the opportunity properly. Have a vision and positive outlook toward our life. Believe in Him and His power. Because He lives, and He hear all my prayer. Ganbate!

Should I take a chance?

Who always find it confusing to take a big opportunity in your life?

It's me haha.

You know what, I want to be smarter, I want to grow up, I want to live my best life.

I would like to get master degree. Abroad.

When I asked my boyfriend, he is okay with that. He will be sad, but will be okay with my decision. Whatever it is, he will support me, even though it will separate us for a while (maybe 1-2 years). But at the other hand, I feel sad just to think about that, to leave him alone in Jakarta without me.

So I have a dream, but I feel it as a burden as well. This is not an easy decision to take.

I also think that I'm not really good in English.

I always just pretend like I am good in English.

I use Chat GPT and google every time I need to write some post in social media.

What I have to do with this life?

Should I take the opportunity and fly abroad to pursue my dream and get better job in the future?